Friday, May 23, 2014

I Love You, Eric

Dear Eric,

          Oh how I know this would embarrass you, but please understand that it’s all I have. I just learned there is no way, no matter what, that you can come back. Your heart is still beating, the same heart I once heard come to life on a fetal monitor before you were born. You are still breathing over the ventilator. Your body doesn’t want to quit and I know you don’t want to leave us because you are afraid and worried for all of us. Eric, this hurts like nothing ever before, I don’t even know how to let you go, but I do know that every twinge of pain, every tear that falls, is mine, and I don’t regret a single minute of being your mom.

          Eric, my fear is you are locked in your body, alone and afraid, trying to scream out to us, but deep inside I know you have said: “Kick rocks, I’m outta this Bitch, Peace.” It’s okay. I don’t want you to stay in a lifeless body. My God, I don’t want to lose you, and selfishly a part of me wants to keep you alive at all costs, but that isn’t what you ever wanted.

          You’re laughter, your silliness, your loyalty, and your love will live on forever through all of us. I know you know you were loved by every one of us and we know how deeply you loved everyone, be it one of us, or one of your friends. If you liked, you loved, if you loved, they were family, no matter what. You will never be forgotten or left behind, Eric, I promise.

          We never talked about death, why would we, you were so young, healthy, and full of life, there wasn’t a reason, so I’m wingin it, Eric. I don’t know what to do or how you would want it to be done. All I can do is follow my heart and believe I am making the right decisions for you.

          Oh my dear third born child, my second son, my only blue eyed boy, I can’t let you leave this world in vain. I can’t “put you to rest” because you aren’t old and withered from life. You are young and vibrant, a warrior, and because of that I can’t allow your perfectly healthy body to leave without saving the lives of others that have a chance to live long and healthy, through you. I hope you are down with that.

          I will never tell you goodbye. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to. I know you will always be with us, no matter what. I love you, Eric….I love you….and you know with everything in your soul…that if I could have done this one for you, I would have.

          I want you to know; that no matter what it takes, you will have a service of honor….and to those of you that know Eric….you’ll understand these words: You will not go out of this world as a bum. If I have to sell my car…I will…I promise.

          I love you, Eric….and thank you for giving me the honor of being your mom.

          Don’t be afraid….I love you…forever and always…Mom


  1. This shatters my heart. And I'm glad I've been here to see him. I love you guys.

  2. Eric will be with us all ways & always for ever & ever with are love bless you Eric

  3. I love you cuz. You will be with us all for eternity and memories will last for ever..

  4. Pam, I have never had the pleasure of meeting you, but Dante is like a brother to me and through him I was able to befriend Eric over the last year and a half or so. This situation has touched me dearly and my heart goes out to you and your family. We are all pulling for you and praying for you. I know I've never met you, but I've stressed to Dante that if you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask. Eric, you're a great young man and I'm grateful I was considered your friend and able to be a part of your life. You have touched the lives of many and you will truly be missed.

  5. Dear Pam, I have never met you but I am Ashley Brays grandmother. She loves Eric and requested prayer for him and his family from day 1. I could never express my words as you have so beautifully in your letter to your son. My heart breaks for you and all that love your son. I am praying for all of you and will continue. I never had the pleasure to meet Eric but have heard so many wonderful things about him and your family and how many lives he has touched in his young life. May God and all his angels hold you and Eric tight and give you peace during this painful time.

  6. I am a close friend to Melissa Bianchi who is a good friend of Eric's. I have been following her posts and praying for this young man and the family and friends. I can tell he was a gentle person with a heart of gold..I am so sorry for your loss and to his mother this is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read..Tears are flowing and I will continue to pray for strength for all to cope with your loss and for the future ahead..God Bless-Mrs. Schultz