I'M BACK!

I’m back!

I’ve been on a writing hiatus for months now. As my friend, Don, would say, I was out sailing across the sun like the song, “Drops of Jupiter,” by Train. I was looking for the truth in my soul, trying to find the scattered shards of yellow brick that would lead to my Oz. He’s right, I was.

I’ve danced along the light of day and fell from my shooting star. I’ve felt every emotion piled up at one time and none, many times.  I’ve loved who I’ve hated and hated who I love. I’ve had to crash through barriers of persecution, alienation, and degradation, sometimes of myself, to stay on the path of what I knew was right. It wasn’t easy.

I’ve had health issues in my immediate family. My youngest daughter, Sheree, was in the hospital. Figuratively, I was brought to my knees. My oldest daughter, Nicole, who always believed I was the pillar of strength, reached out and pulled me up. I felt guilty for telling her I couldn’t handle the situation if it worsened. That wasn’t me; I could handle anything, at least on the outside. Calm faced, and in control, she said: “I’ve got this, Mom.” I questioned, she reassured. I saw it in her eyes. She could. At that moment I realized, she too, had grown into a pillar. She was me.

I’ve doubted myself, which I learned years ago not to do, and I condemned myself for the weakness that allowed me to doubt what I knew was truth.

I found myself in a position, by powers much greater than me, to face where I was spiritually and to accept where it was taking me. I learned and saw miracles form through simply surrendering to the role appointed. It took awhile for me to accept that role, because I knew I would face many demons. I did, but I overcame them, eventually.

For the first time in my life, I found myself in a position to where I wanted to throw in the towel. I wanted to sleep until I felt better, but that was short lived. I just can’t give up or give in that easy. I wanted to, though. I wanted to wake up in the bright and colorful Land of Oz, without following the trail or overcoming the obstacles. For a minute I was suspended in the peace of the poppy fields.

I have finally learned, without any regrets, the power of negative forces. It’s easy to see. I have finally had the power to see beyond my own negativity and the feelings that kept it alive. Being able to see through the darkness enables us to focus on the light. No matter how life can hurt us, it’s based on our personal choices and those choices bring us what we need to tweak and fine tune the crux of our journey. I learned that no matter what I may suffer, other’s suffer, also. If I can aid in alleviating the suffering of another person, because I am a pillar, it’s not only my job or my duty, it’s who I am. It is a gift. It’s one of my many blessings and I can do so without malice, blame, or shame.

Now, coming out on the other side of expanded lessons, I’ve learned many things about myself. I have the strength to take on any persecution given. I’m not sure I like the way the signs that lead to the shards of broken yellow brick are delivered, but I get it. I understand where, no matter how hard or insane it may seem, I need to go to continue my journey of higher acceptance and learning.

Today, I embrace every hardship, every personal pain, because those trials have molded me into who I am right now. I don’t hold any hatred or resentment to those who have caused me to fall, inhale deeply, or pray. As crazy as it sounds, I have to thank them. From cradle to grave, every person is a gift, no matter if they were the negative evil, fallen angels, or positive forces, they were all a part of my learning experience. They all shed some small ray of light to a glimmering shard on my sometimes hidden road. Today, I have no problem dissecting the negative out of the person I have become. It’s like a cancerous tumor; you cut it out and rid yourself of the impending pain and gradual death it will eventually cause, be it mental, physical, or emotional.

There is no pat on the back for making it this far. There is no high fives. Nobody can know or understand where I’m at or how I got here, but me. There is only me. I now look in the mirror and laugh and say, “Girl, You Rock!!!”

I have a lot of people to thank for this past eight months. You’ve helped mold me in many ways, but I can’t name everyone. I can name Jill (Delestienne) Megdall, my bestie. Jill, you are probably the only person that fully understands the sense, the extra perception, the “gift.” Thanks for listening and knowing it was making me crazy. I love you, always!

Till the next time…

I’m off to see the Wizard,

Pam